Today was the day.....

Today was the day I was born.

And all I can think about today is my angel Mother.
She sacrificed to physically bring me to the Earth on this day so many years ago.
Now that I'm a Mother myself, I know what that really means.

I've seen and experienced many miracles and blessings so far in my life.
I've accomplished many great things...and will strive to accomplish many more.
I've experienced and continue to experience joy and love in my life.

All those beautiful things and so much more are mine not only because I have a loving Father in Heaven and Savior who watch over me, but also because my angel Mother sacrificed for me today.

Thanks, Momsi.

Merry Christmas!

"little things" for Thanksgiving Part 3

I love Thanksgiving.
Not for the turkey or pumpkin pie, although enticing and delicious....I love Thanksgiving because it is a day set aside solely to give thanks.
I know we all have so much to be thankful for...even if things in our life aren't perfect.
There is ALWAYS something for which we can (and should) give thanks!

A piano in my home. It is a great blessing to be a professional musician. Music speaks from the soul things we are not capable of expressing with words and I'm so blessed to own my own piano not only for use in my profession, but for my own enjoyment.

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Beauty. I am inspired by beauty. It brings me joy....and beauty can be seen in everything!

Calluses. I know, a weird thing to be thankful for, but it shows hard work, dedication, love, and motivation. All of which are beautiful things!
Dancing. I'm not a very good dancer, but I love the way it feels when my favorite song is on and my body can't help but express joy through movement.

Education. I'm so grateful for a chance to get a great education and I'm grateful for all the people who helped make that happen.

Fall. The color of the leaves. The crunch of them beneath my toes. The crisp, cool air....all of it.
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Garbage trucks, and their drivers. Take a second and imagine life without them.....yeah, they are pretty great. You should sincerely thank one the next time they stop by your house! I have a Thank You note ready on our garbage can for ours tomorrow!

Healing. The ability to heal is incredible! I've watched - and worked terribly hard - as my knee has undergone surgery and 2 months of healing. It is a beautiful miracle to behold.

Illustrations done by my children. Not only can my Green boy draw me beautiful pictures, he can write me love notes which I treasure.

Jokes. I love a good joke. I don't think I'm all that funny or witty so I am really grateful for the people in my life who can make me laugh. Man....I love a good laugh.

Kicks. I'm so grateful for shoes. Have you stopped and thought about how blessed you are to be able to own a pair of shoes to protect your little feet? I have, and I'm sooo grateful.

Littlies. I am head over heels in love with my little miracles and my blue boy and green boy have stolen my heart.
Mr. Wilson. He's the number one boy around here and I am so grateful to be married to my best friend. He lifts me up and inspires me to be better. What an amazing blessing!

Noses. Without my nose I would miss out on so much joy. I mean, there are lots of things I would rather not smell, but the smell of cinnamon, freshly baked cookies, Mr.Wilson's cologne,  pumpkin pie, bonfire, apple cider, and freshly bathed babies brings bliss.

Other people. I am grateful for all the people in my life who encourage, support and love me. They inspire me to try harder, reach for my dreams and have greater love for those around me.

Pets. We love our little black Bella and the place she holds in our family.

Quilts. My angel Mother is a maker of beautiful quilts and not only do they offer warmth and comfort, they are special works of art.

Reading. I am so grateful for the ability to read and the joy that comes from comprehending and learning new things.

Scriptures. I love the truth found within their pages. I love the joy and knowledge that comes from reading them.
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Temples. 

 
Underwear. Well, it's true!

Vacuum. ugh. I really love what a fresh vacuuming job can do for my home.

Walls. Whether it's an apartment, duplex, condo or home....I've always felt so blessed to have a roof over my head and walls to bring me warmth and comfort.

Xyzal. My allergy pills. Soooo grateful for you!

You readers who come to my little space here at 'squeezing it all in'. I'm so grateful for you!

Zesty meals. Yes, I figured out a way to use the letter 'z'.

I hope you have all had a great Thanksgiving Day! 

Remember, we don't have to be grateful one day a year.
We can be searching for our beautiful little blessings everyday.
That's what my search for life's "little things" is all about!

Our weekend…

We had lots of really fun family time this weekend…
(I know, I said that yesterday…but Mr.Wilson has been out of town A LOT lately
and he was home ALL WEEKEND! That was a much welcome “BIG thing”!)

The festivities included my green boy’s FIRST trip to the theater!
His Nana and Popi (a.k.a. Momsi and Popsicle) took him on a date to see Peter Pan!

The house proceeded to become extremely quiet without his cute little mouth around…we missed him.
But our reward was to be the recipients of his thrilling and dramatic version of the date on his return home. 

What joy it brought to see his bright eyes and hear that he couldn’t WAIT to attend the theater again!
(I see a cultured young man on the horizon!)

We also enjoyed sessions of general conference and were greatly uplifted by the things we heard!

I also worked REALLY hard on the transformation of one of my spaces…

I can’t WAIT to show you!!!

Twisters

You know that scene in the old movie Twister when they hold onto the metal pipes and the tornado barrels right over them? Their feet fly in the air, debris in their eyes and they are holding on for dear life? That's what yesterday felt like.

I went to the doctors for my appointment and found myself walking very slowly down the hallway, taking deep breaths as I went. I went by myself. I'll admit, I was really scared. My gut told me that something was going to change (I had been feeling a little different lately and Sunday wasn't the best of days) and it made me want to run for dear life in the opposite direction!

The news wasn't good and I could tell as soon as the technician looked at the sonogram screen. She didn't even have to say anything, she said it with her eyes. She told me the measurement and then she said, "I'm going to call the doctor". My doctor was on an airplane to NYC. Great.

I was then immediately wheeled over to the hospital checked and double checked, monitored, heavily medicated, etc. Then my beautiful Mom and amazing husband came to hold my hand through the process. I was told I would have to be transported to another hospital because my body was screaming every sign that we would see this baby in the next 24-48 hours and the NICU at my hospital was not sufficient for our baby's needs at such an early age.

Then came my first ride ever in an ambulance...not really on my 'bucket' list, but you do what you have to do. My driver, Jerry, made sure all the bumps were as smooth as possible. He was great...except for that unexpected stop that sent us all sliding. I kept saying to myself "Andrew would think this was so much fun!" It helped me get through the ride.

Once in the new hospital all the checks and double checks were re-checked, more monitoring, serious meds which make me have full body shakes and put me in the land of flu-filled wonderment. All this and my body just didn't want to cooperate. Then finally, we broke through it all and got my body to calm down on 4 different medications. It was a miracle. My sweet Dad came to the hospital as well and He and Doug gave me a Priesthood blessing just 4-5 hours prior to the breakthrough and I know that was what broke the cycle and got my body and baby to calm down. The Lord is watching over us.

Today is calmer than yesterday. I just had another ultrasound to check everything yet again and my measurements have changed (gotten smaller - which isn't good) already....in just one day. So now what do we do? We wait. I stay here in my hospital bed with tubes hanging from my arms and scoot my attached medication cart with me wherever I go. We get re-evaluated in a week unless something else happens.

I know this post isn't full of giggles and smiles, but this is the truth. It's just what is happening. I keep most of the details and full explanations to myself just because this isn't the right place for it. If you want to ask and know more, call or email me... It's a crazy scary twister over here and all we can do is hold on!

The good news I got today was that our little babe weighs 2 lbs. 7 oz. which is better than expected (1 lb. 15oz.) and he is gorgeous!

Fairies....

Yesterday two beautiful cleaning fairies came to our house. They looked just like this... They fluttered in and before I knew it my floors were clean, my carpet spotless, all my laundry in the machine, dinner in the fridge, my dishes done, my counters wiped, my toilets shiny....everything! What was one of the best parts about this fairy visit was to slip between the covers at bedtime and have crisp, clean smelling sheets welcome me. It was just perfect!

I can't even begin to explain to you what this small act means to me and it honestly was pure torture to watch it all take place, but once I get myself past that, it was one of the most beautiful sights to behold. I wouldn't let just anybody do all that for us, but it's an amazing thing to see how much love is had for this little baby of mine, by his family, before he has even shown his face!

Tomorrow is another appointment and today is filled with worry...unfortunately that's nothing new. I feel like there might be some more changes this week. I say that just because of some of the things my body has been feeling, but I've been wrong before. Our prayers never cease.

I know a lot of my thoughts on this blog now focus on bed rest and what that is like, but the biggest part in all of this is WHY I'm lying here and I have to remember that all the time.... I'm lying here because my body can't hold a baby nice and tight in my belly like it's supposed to and that is NOT my fault, it's just the way my body is. I'm lying here because it is my part in doing all I can to fulfill a portion of our Heavenly Father's plan. I'm lying here because the life of one of Heavenly Father's special spirits is depending on it. I'm lying here praying that this whole process will ensure our arms with a beautiful child in the end, but nothing is ever certain.

We love the Lord and know He is watching over us. We know He has a plan and is leading us down the path that has been carved out for our family. We know there is much to learn from all trials with which we are faced...that's one of the reasons we are all given them. The Lord is good to all of us, even in hard and scary times.

Much love to my beautiful fairies...you blessed my days (and Doug's days) more than you will know.

Zebras

these are what made me happy today

I'm not going to lie. I had no patience for all of this today
my problem at hand, that is, and all that comes with it.
I'm thinking it was because I had a whole day full of irregular contractions yesterday and
Last night I had some big whoppin' contractions which caused me to not get much sleep and wake up exhausted
I don't know...maybe it was just one of those days.

I felt like letting out a scream ... maybe just a little one.
Tomorrow will be better

Thanks, Mom, for bringing these shoes home for me! And for the Luau Salad from the Cheesecake Factory...they were counted as some of the serious highlights of my day! And thanks for everything else you've been doing for us.....your amazing....i love you. and i love these shoes.

Chubby, tan legs....

I just got back from my weekly appointment and the ultrasound showed that there have been no changes in the weakening of my body this week. It was great news since we are so close to being on a hospital bed rest... and thought it very possible to start this week... but it also means that nothing has changed. We were super excited and really happy after the ultrasound results and then, while we waited to see the doctor, I think the reality kind of sank in. That's when Doug and I found ourselves looking at each other wondering why we weren't feeling super happy anymore. I guess It's hard to explain how it feels to get good news and yet have it not change your circumstance or possible outcomes at all. We do continue to feel very blessed. We've made it another week! We love the Lord and know He will never cease to watch over our little family.

I've decided to include in my posts, during this time, some things that I am grateful for each day or things that just make me happy...

Yesterday: I'm grateful for the sounds of my little boy and my husband running around the house playing hide and go seek. It makes me so happy to hear my Andrew count to 16 and then mess up the next number and say "...eleventeen...oh, umm....ready or not, here I come!"

I'm grateful to have an amazing husband who will make me homemade black bean nachos and fruit smoothies when I'm hungry. Also, and most importantly, to have a husband and best friend who is able and willing to pass me the sacrament when I am not able to go to my meetings and receive it on my own.

Today: I'm grateful for a nurse who can take my blood with one prick, not 4. I'm also grateful for red vines....they remind me of my Grandma and taste oh, so delicious!

It makes me so happy to see rainstorms in the sunshine, steam rise off the hot pavement, and the chubby, tan legs of my niece, Lauryn!

Teaching....

I had to postpone my piano studio teaching this week. I'm really disappointed and upset as I was hoping to make it much MUCH farther before I had to cancel that part of my life for the time being. It is such a big part of who I am and I really love each of my students and love teaching them....it was a sad, sad day. I'm just trying to remember that it won't be forever....there is an end in sight. There will be a day I can get all of those things back that I love so much! I will anxiously await the day I can see them again and teach them about one of my greatest loves!

"You CAN..."

I just kissed my boys goodbye for their first Sunday without me. Andrew said, "Mommy, are you coming to church with us?" Then he said, "No, Mommy, you have to stay there in bed." It made me want to cry. I'm so excited for the day I can run around with my little man again.

Last night my Mom and sisters, Joanna and Lindsay, (I missed you, Alissa!) came over with a movie, nail polish and popcorn and spent some time with me on the couch. It was so nice to get a chance to laugh and enjoy their company. My sweet Mom treated me to a pedicure along with a leg and back massage...WOW! All I can say is it brought inexplicable joy! Lying around on strict bed rest takes a serious toll on your body and I'm already feeling the affects of it....stiffness, aches and pains all over, and eventually the loss of muscle and bone mass--it's all beginning and that massage was just what I needed!
I've been trying to stay as positive as I can, especially when I post something here, but I have to be honest for just a second and say that this is really hard! Someone I love dearly wrote me a little note the other day and she said "You CAN do HARD things!" It was a great motivator because it didn't insinuate that this was a piece of cake or if she was in the same position she would handle it any better. It just said...whatever happens, you are fully capable no matter how hard, frightening, or painful it might be...you can do it.

I know that the only reason I'm capable is that the Lord is on my side in the good and bad, the exciting and scary. He is the one who lifts me up and gives me the strength to keep going. He knows every detail, He's felt everything I'm feeling and only through Him can I do hard things.

I keep bringing myself back to this quote I found..."Even when you're seemingly doing nothing, rest assured you're actually doing everything you can to ensure the arrival of a healthy baby – each new day you carry your little one inside is an achievement to be celebrated, and each week is a tribute to your strength and love. Moms are giving and selfless, and you are a Mom. "
– Alisa Ikeda

Whenever I talk to one of my greatest friends she always says, "Another day down!" and she's right. We see everyday as a miracle over here. Everyday as another achievement. The Lord has sure blessed our family with some beautiful days over here in the last few months and I hope that perspective will continue for long after our little one arrives!

Another appointment tomorrow....I will update you on the news we receive.

It's a new day.

Doug left for a business trip yesterday and while I was hugging him goodbye I thought to myself...."I hope everything is alright while he is gone." Then I kissed him goodbye and was left in my mom's warm bed to start my day. I didn't wake up feeling very well, which might subconsciously explain the above thought. I felt nauseated, weak with hot and cold chills and just all around weird. Doug hadn't felt well the night before so I thought maybe I was just getting what he had but as the day progressed I realized that wasn't it at all.

I've said before that I have contractions all day, everyday, but they had stopped being as regular or persistent as of late, until yesterday. At around 11 they were 15 minutes apart non-stop, by 3:00 they were 8 minutes apart and then I called the doctor at 4...they had been non-stop for 5 hours. fun. I have very strict instructions as to when I need to call Dr. G and when I don't so my plan was just to call him and inform him of the situation, but he changed my plan and informed ME that he wanted me at the hospital in 20min with no guarantee that I would be coming back home. great. my favorite place.

So yesterday was our first day in the hospital since surgery. By shear miracle I've been given the most amazing mom on the planet and she jumped up from her seat and got me in the car. I was privileged enough to ride in one of the biggest wheelchairs I've ever seen....seriously people, like room for 3, and soon enough I found myself in a hospital gown with a new bracelet constantly reminding me of my identity.I had to leave my napping boy with my sister, Lindsay, but I new he would be in fantastic hands. My other napping boy, the one in my belly, came with us and mom and I got to hear him dance and kick his heart out while he was being monitored. That boy was so loud we couldn't even hear each other talk! They monitored me as well and did a bunch of tests and exams, all of which are too personal and caused too much pain to mention, but by then my belly had relaxed and was just acting irritated with irregular tightening and contractions....not regular like before.

All in all... it was long, it was scary...it was the least amount of fun I've had in a couple months (besides the great alone time I got with my mom while we were there...That was the best part!). OK, I guess there was an even better part...I got to ride that enormous wheelchair AGAIN, back out to the car at 9:30. What a great blessing to be able to come home!!!! I came home really sore and tired, but hey....I got to come home!

So now I'm on prescription muscle relaxers to try and keep my belly from doing anything like that again. It seems on top of the complications I already have, my body just doesn't seem to understand when it's supposed to do what. Why?! I wish I knew.

With the least amount of dirty details I could manage that was how I spent my day yesterday... I'm so grateful for beautiful surroundings, enormous wheelchairs, beds with mattresses thicker than 2 inches and people who love me and this little one so much that they would drop everything and take action to help me when my other half isn't here to do so. thanks. much love.

What?!?!

How can I feel surprised AT ALL when hearing the words "strict bed rest"? I've heard it before and done it before so why did my heart sink and my stomach seem to crawl slowly and involuntarily out of my mouth at the sound of those particular words? I guess I'm still struggling, and I'm sure will continue, with two different sides of myself. There is the one half that was expecting this and just waiting for the ominous day to come and the other half that was trying so desperately to be hopeful and believe all those around me who were trying to do the same...I guess that was the half that dropped to the floor yesterday when I saw the sonogram screen.

In one weeks time, on a modified bed rest schedule, my body continued to weaken and we lost 6\10ths (which is quite a bit) of some very treasured centimeters that don't seem to want to do their job... and that brought me here...lying in bed with my laptop in a quiet house doing my best to defy gravity. I wish I could do it Elfaba style!Is the bed rest going to help? We hope so. Dr.G said yesterday if he could put me in a pool for 3+ months he would. I'm sure that would help immensely, but just imagine the kind of skin I would walk out of there wearing!! The raisin wrinkles wouldn't just stop at my fingertips, I'm sure!

In attempts to always continue learning more about my condition (of which there doesn't seem to be much information) I found these quotes from articles that really struck home....

"If you're at the high risk of experiencing complications, your pregnancy will be a major commitment one that will change virtually every aspect of your life during the months ahead."

"Your perfect pregnancy - the one we're brought up to believe every woman gets to experience - has now become that 'other thing' you read about in magazines and books. You are now in the high-risk category. Everyone, even your obstetrician, is behaving differently toward you."

"Here are some of the types of emotions you may be experiencing:
Guilt, Anger, Sadness, Resentment, Helplessness, Fear, etc. ..." I'll leave it at that and won't continue with the detailed explanation of each of these.

So, I'm going to stop here for today. Doug and I are going to need some more time together to renew our combined strength and move forward again... Thanks for all your love and support. I know we will need more help in the months to come than we will ever be able to repay and we thank you now from the bottom of our Wilson hearts! May the Lord continue to watch over this sweet soul growing in my belly.

Change

Monday's routine doctor's appointment became not so routine anymore. The great news we have been receiving every week has stopped coming (for this week at least), but there is still worse news that we could receive so we are still doing fine....just adjusting to some new changes. We now can see that my body has weakened more drastically than we thought it was capable of in one week, but the good news is that our little boy is still right where he is supposed to be. We have no way of knowing what next week's appointment will bring...whether my body will hold for a while longer or just continue weakening, but I sure wish with all my heart that I had some control over the situation!

I keep thinking what an incredible blessing it is to have control over all my other body parts....if I want to walk, I take a step. If I want to grab something, I reach out for it. If I want a hug, I wrap my arms around someone. If I want to dance, I shake my booty (maybe not with much control, but I can still do it). :) Shouldn't it make sense that if we want to bring another child into our family I should just be able to keep the baby in my womb? Well, some of us were given body parts that just don't work and we don't have control over it. It is extremely frustrating, but there are many in a worse situation than myself in that regard. What can we do in that kind of situation? Thank the Lord for what we CAN do and what we DO have and then do our best with the rest....right?

Well, the change that has come since Monday's appointment, sparing you from all the physical details, is that now I am on a modified bed rest. It's taking me a few days to get readjusted to the new schedule and lifestyle because it's not really in my nature to just sit around with my feet up and eat bon bons all day....wait. who are we kidding. But since there is no cure and we've done the treatment we can with the surgery the only other thing to do right now is try to relieve the pressure and weight from my body and wait and see if it will help. No matter what does happen or what news we may receive, we know without any doubts that the Lord is watching over our little family. May He continue to watch over yours!