My melting heart....

This sweet face seems to do it every time...

I really don’t mind…

I really don’t mind the countless dirty diapers,
or all the nightly feedings…
I really don’t mind the engorgement, sore body,
or the constant need for a nap…
I really don’t mind the moments of newborn screaming,
or the accidents around the clock…
I really don’t mind the milk stains on my clothes,
or all the new laundry being created…
I don’t mind any of it because I have this beautiful gift in my arms with the scent of heaven still on his soft skin. I’m too busy enjoying his sleepy smiles and skinny limbs, his curled up toes and fuzzy black hair. I’m loving every moment the Lord has given me.

Why didn’t anyone tell me that Andrew is as big as a HOUSE!?!?! I can’t help but compare the new sizes of my boys and… seriously, people…My 3 year old is absolutely ENORMOUS!

Thanksgiving Baby

When I first found out my due date was Thanksgiving I wasn't sure how I felt about having a baby on a holiday, but the farther along we got, the more miracles we saw, and the numerous times our baby was saved, the more I realized how perfect it really was. I decided no matter when our baby was born, I would always consider him my "Thanksgiving baby".

I don't really sleep at night due to the unbearable pain I'm usually in, but last night I woke at 1:20 and my body felt a little different....let's just say even more pain than normal. I could tell what my body was up to so I woke Doug and thanks to a very quick and loving sister and brother-in-law, we were off, with Andrew staying back with them in safe keeping. Doug drove as fast as he could to the hospital and 2 1/2 hours later I was holding this beauty...
I know the birth of every baby is a miracle, but to have been blessed to have gotten this one here healthy and strong is a MIR. A. CLE! It took a small army to achieve this task and I couldn't be more grateful for each member of that army! I look at him and am in awe at the feat we have just accomplished. There were many times Doug and I looked at the possibility of losing him straight in the face, but we were blessed to overcome.
He didn't cry when he was born and he needed an oxygen mask and some coaxing but after some time he was breathing on his own. I finally got to hold him and I was overcome with many emotions - mostly gratitude...we did it! With the Lord's numerous blessings - we did it!I'm sure you are wondering what his name is...his name is Evan. We are thinking about a middle name, that's still to come.And this is the amazing man, Dr. Gildenblatt,h who is basically part of our family now. We couldn't have been successful without him. We love him dearly and we are so blessed to have found him!
That is all for now. I'm going to sleep. I'm so grateful to all of you for your thoughts, prayers and support. I'll be so happy taking November 7th to welcome my sweet baby into the world....November 7th or 27th, Evan will STILL and ALWAYS be my "Thanksgiving baby"!

We made it!

I've never been a big fan of Halloween, but this Halloween was and always will be a special one for me.

"Let's just pray we make it to Halloween." That's been my Mom's goal for this little babe in my belly from the very beginning. As we celebrated the holiday I couldn't help but be in shock and awe all day long. I kept thinking..."WOW. It really happened. We made it." We've been blessed to achieve many goals along this journey, but this one was the final goal, before the actual due date goal, and wasn't ever sure my body would make it. I still have no words to describe the feeling this achievement brings. I am just so incredibly grateful!
Here is our knight in shining armor all ready to go! He loves this costume and has deemed himself as very brave and courageous (just like Nephi)....especially when it comes to dragons!
I had a day loaded with pain and did my best to enjoy the festivities. I lounged back at the house to pass out candy and missed out on seeing my cute boy trick or treat, but we snapped a quick picture before they headed off.
Friday night we all sat around the kitchen table after dinner and carved pumpkins....one of our favorite things to do for Halloween. I was very excited to try out my new candelabra/skull pattern....it was lots of fun!
We hope you enjoyed your Halloween....now it's on to November, Thanksgiving and our final goal! Yeah!

Sweaty Hands

I had yet another appointment. As I was riding in the elevator I realized that my hands were sweaty and I was having trouble breathing....no, my hands don't get sweaty often... I was just extremely nervous.

I told Doug on Monday night that something was going to happen at my appointment - I didn't know why or what, I just knew something was coming. As we were getting checked out and the ultrasound was being done all I could do was look at my doctor's face for a reaction....and I got one. We found a new problem that concerns my own health and permanent damage to my body which Doug and I hadn't really considered before. The problem is due to the surgery we have to have to try and keep a baby in my womb along with all the complications I have throughout the pregnancy. As far as I can understand, those two added together have brought about this new problem. I guess we were always worrying about the baby's health too much to really worry about my own.

Well, we now are concerned, but we know that we are in good hands and are being watched over by our Father in Heaven.

I have no real way of explaining it on the blog that would make me feel comfortable so I'm not sure what to say for those of you who really want to know. I'm still alight, but we aren't sure how much longer it will stay that way so we have to go in on Monday to have some tests done and decisions made. We will continue to pray that my body can stay strong and our sweet little one as well. No matter what outcome we see, the Lord is on our side.

Today I am grateful for pink peanut M&Ms and a Knight costume...I've been watched over all day by a little 3 1/2 year old Knight in Shining Armor - who I must say is quite brave!

Fuzzy hair...

So I know I didn't update this week like I said I would. Things are still status quo. I had this weird epiphany at my appointment and was a little on the emotionally crazy side for a few days... so I decided to take a little break from the blog.

During another one of my uncomfortable ultrasounds, (of which I've had 35+ during this pregnancy...and I'm weeks away from even being 35 weeks along!) I saw our baby's fuzzy head of hair. This might seem like a very minor image, but to me it brought an epiphany I never expected.

Before Doug and I even started thinking and praying about this next step in our family's life, we were not able to allow ourselves to get excited about the prospect of another sweet baby in our family. I know many others were excited for us, but we held ourselves back for good reason.

We knew what our Heavenly Father wanted us to do and had faith that He would see us through our journey, but we were also armed with the knowledge of my condition and the possible outcomes that present themselves along with it. This brought about uncertainty and discomfort with the unknown. We couldn't really talk about the baby or plan in any way for the arrival of a baby. We just walked the path slowly and carefully with Faith hoping we could make it to our goal.

This lasted until we hit the 28-30 week mark. Once we hit that goal we found ourselves staring at each other in disbelief saying..."We are actually going to have a baby!" It brought about some much needed and anticipated relief and we were finally able to let go of some of the other feelings.

This brings me to the fuzzy hair....how could a blurry image of my baby's fuzzy hair suddenly snap me into the reality that this special baby is real. He is ours. He is actually coming. I have a baby belly, I have all the discomforts of pregnancy along with all my extra 'special' ones, I have most all the signs of labor everyday, I have people trying to stop that labor all the time, I have been in and out of the hospital, I've had to have surgery to try and keep my baby in my womb, he moves inside my belly, etc. etc. etc. How could I experience these things since week 14 and NOT feel like this is real? How could a baby's fuzzy hair be the key? I have no idea.

All I can say is I am dumbfounded, in awe, in shock, amazed, and so incredibly grateful that we have come this far. We have been showered with miracles. This child is one incredible soul...

and I'm grateful for his fuzzy hair...

open arms and big smiles

I didn't sleep last night and I had a hard time eating much of anything all day due to my scheduled appointment in the afternoon. The unknown seems to be the cause of many uneasy feelings and some sleepless nights, but we have continued to be surprised with more blessings and miracles in the midst of the constant unknown.

I walked into the office and was welcomed with open arms and big smiles and set in the usual room. The receptionist checked what shoes I was wearing, which she does every time I come, and was happy to see the polka dots instead of the now - dreaded by all employees of my doctor - zebra print beauties....They seem to believe that those blessed shoes are the cause of my last hospital admittance and long hospital stay. Silly women...

Anyway, without much detail at all things are still about the same. Not good but not at its absolute worst. My doctor and all the nurses are absolutely amazed that this baby is still growing in my belly. They call me the 'special one', hold my hand, and walk me through every scary moment like I am one of their own. The Lord has blessed us with these fantastic doctors and nurses and we are so grateful.

Pillows

I'm looking at the white board in front of me and it says it's Thursday August 20th. I can't find the words to describe how that makes me feel...for the good and the not so good. There have been good moments and bad moments this week, but all in all we are holding together. Our baby is still growing in my belly and we are taking one step at a time.

I've had appointments, exams and tests done but for now they don't want to stir up my body anymore than necessary so they are leaving me alone for the most part. (I guess 'leaving me alone' means continuing to monitor me, check to see if the fluids are filling up my lungs, wake me up to give me more medicine, etc. etc. etc.)

One of my IV medications has some side effects that are hard to handle so I'm trying to do my best with those right now... the blurred vision, blurred thoughts and concentration, nausea, stomach pain, hot flashes and flu-like symptoms were a little more than I could bear today, but I did my best. I had my mom and a couple dear friends visit which sure made for a bright spot in my day and my two favorite visitors came too...my Drewboy and my sweetheart.

My beautiful Mom brought Andrew with all his cuteness and he jumped right up in bed with me and snuggled under my arm...where he fits perfectly. We ate some snacks and played some games together - the best gift of the day! -thanks mom-

Yesterday we had an appointment for a NICU consultation and all in all it went well. We saw a couple beautiful tiny babies being taken care of that were close to the same gestational age as our little one right now. We were able to ask lots of questions and have everything explained in detail. They wanted to best prepare us for our possible future and they did a great job! The NICU here is beautiful and Doug and I left knowing that this hospital is exactly where we need to be right now, no matter how hard it might be.

Today I am grateful for cool air on my cheek and my snuggly body pillow from home...thanks sweetheart!