Knowledge

"You don't know what you don't know until you know it." That's what my Dad said to me the other day and I've been thinking about that a lot since then. There are about a million things in our individual lives we don't know yet but one of them you (our extended family and friends) don't know because Doug and I haven't told you....we are expecting another little addition to our family in November. A boy!

I'm not very good at waiting to open presents. There is something about having the pretty wrapped box (actually it doesn't even matter if it's pretty) sitting right in front of me that just beckons my fingers to rip it open and look inside. It is completely uncontrollable. Well, that's what it feels like now and for many reasons it seems I'm watching the world continue to move quickly along, but I feel my world right now moves at the pace of a very small turtle because instead of ripping open my present I have to handle it with an immense amount of care and attention.

Many of you know that we were not planning on exploring this childbearing avenue again due to the extremely high risk nature of our particular situation, but the Lord let us know that He has a different plan for our family. He has been preparing us the last 3 years for a new journey and we are now choosing to walk down that avenue again, hand-in-hand with the Lord, praying we will be successful in adding this other little boy to our family.

I need to say that we are doing miraculously well. We were blessed to find a doctor who takes our situation seriously and is doing everything in his power to help us along this journey. We know so much more this time around and have been able to take some early actions which are supposed to help immensely. I had surgery about a month ago to hopefully help me keep our little boy where he is supposed to stay and so far the surgery has done it's job and we are thrilled! The surgery doesn't guarantee us success, but we've already seen the results of such a helpful procedure. It wasn't very pleasant and continues to not be very pleasant, but if that's what needs to be done for us to bring these sweet souls to the Earth....than I'll do it!

I'm 22 weeks along and have been seeing the doctor every single week since the beginning. They continue to watch me closely through ultrasounds, measurements and tests to hopefully catch my body weakening before anything drastic happens to me or the baby. I'm having lots of pain and contractions all day, everyday which makes it hard for me to be super happy and comfortable in my day to day routine, but I'm doing the best I can. With all this happening, I have been given very clear and strict instructions as to when exactly I need to call the doctor or run to the hospital and so far, no hospital run has been needed.

I've got to say how grateful Doug and I are for technology that can help us in such an important and life changing way. I know why I wasn't sent to Earth as a pioneer and it's not because of the lack of toilets or the abundance of cow patties....this time in history would be the only time that would grant me the ability to fulfill my mission here on Earth as a Mother.

I said earlier that the Lord took the last 3 years to prepare me for this journey and I really mean it. With His help, I did all that I could to prepare myself emotionally and spiritually to endure this period of time, but the preparations seem to continue to come. I often find myself standing in front of these big emotional hurdles knowing that I am the ONLY one who can jump them. The Lord has helped me through them all so far and I know will continue to do so. I feel I'm spending most of my time (after each hurdle is jumped) readjusting myself, my thoughts and my emotional state to try and stay strong and optimistic.

I think most of you who know me well would categorize me as a worry wart...and yes, I am. I'm okay to admit it. 3 years ago at this particular time in my first pregnancy I was lying on strict bed rest crippled with many things, but one of them being worry and fear. It kept me from seriously seeking help from the Lord when I really needed it most and I have learned since then that Faith and Fear cannot co-exist. That has been quite difficult for us to balance with each coming week being such a nervous one full of unknown possibilities. We have come to find ourselves sitting evenly between Faith and the reality of our situation which seems to be what is best for us at this time. Some days are better than others, but we've been holding onto each other and the Lord, hoping for the best.

Andrew seems to really grasp the concept of this new little brother and he is VERY excited! I've been keeping a progression book for Andrew (and us) full of every ultrasound picture from almost every week in the pregnancy. He loves to look at it and talk about his baby brother. He said yesterday..."Mom, your supposed to have this baby and when it comes to our family it is going to be soooo much fun!"

Andrew is also having a hard time with all of this too. He is a very sensitive little soul and even though we basically live our day-to-day lives the same at this point he senses something is different and not quite right. He seems to be worrying about me a lot and acts out in many ways to show it. We try to keep all our emotions and conversations at an even and happy level which seems to help a little, but when we have a tough moment you can tell through our sensitive little boy.

None of us know what journey the Lord has planned out for us....as my Dad says: "You don't know what you don't know until you know it." :) All we can do is walk in Faith and make smart decisions, with the Lord, based on the reality of our situations and move forward (even if it seems to be at the pace of a very small turtle).

We are very excited and are pushing forward with Faith that we can enjoy this sweet little boy in a few months!