the verdict…

I have been searching for motivation to write a post in the past 5 days…
I’ve decided to write some of my feelings down in hopes that some honesty will be my motivational cure.
Last week I went to my OB for a yearly checkup and to give a sad goodbye – he is moving out of town.

Now let’s stop here for a moment.
I’m sure most of you, who are women, are thinking…
”say goodbye? good riddance!” No one LIKES their OB!
Well, my OB, myself and my family have been through WAR together
and he is now considered part of the family…
so it was sad. in a strange sort of way.

Anyway, I had to have a difficult conversation with him in regards to my future as a mother.
He was on the front lines of the battle for the life of my miracle blue boy and watched as my body rejected the precious life time and time again…
and he saved that life time and time again…
while also keeping my health a priority.

With this, you might catch a small glimpse of the importance of this man –
to me his opinion carried the weight of the world…and still does.
 
I needed to know his opinion on whether I would be capable of carrying more children in the future…
if that is what was right for our family.
I needed to be able to tuck that opinion away to simmer.

The verdict:
the Wilson’s should NOT try to have anymore children.

Now, this was something I had told myself already, but hearing it from a professional whose opinion is cherished by many…including me…stung so much deeper.
It cut through my heart.

Let’s get this straight…I am NOT looking to have anymore children today…who knows if I ever will.

But with this verdict, I feel stripped naked of my freedom to choose.  
I feel the possibility for increased joy and fulfillment in our family’s life by welcoming a new little spirit has been taken away. 
I feel like I’ve been forced to stop dreaming that the impossible could be possible again!

I will always be full of joy and wonder at our two handsome miracle boys and we will thank the Lord every single day for their sweet presence in our life.
(If you are new to the complications I face…the quickest run down is that my body is not capable of keeping a baby full term and my body rejects the baby by constantly contracting starting around week 14)

But hearing these words have made us angry and sad.
I think it’s going to be a process for us to grieve the possible future and find our way to acceptance…
to find a new future.

So if you are pregnant and I don’t talk to you…it’s because I can’t.
Please don’t hate me.
I’m insanely jealous of your beautiful shape and the life growing inside you.
If your pregnant and I do talk to you…I can because I’m pretending you aren’t pregnant.
If you have a newborn and you catch me stealing glances it’s because I’m basking in that heavenly smell and newly formed bond vicariously through you.

So for now, I’m just going to let Mr. Wilson and myself be sad… and for later…
well, we’ll just have to see about that.
(maybe the plan for our family is so much better than we could ever dream up…and this is just where we need to begin that journey)

I read something recently that struck a chord with me and a little project I’ve been dreaming up in my mind for a while now…

”Work will cure your grief. Serve others”
-President Gordon B. Hinkley

”The more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls”
– President Spencer W. Kimball

and my favorite…”Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.”
–James Barrie (author of Peter Pan)

I have something exciting in the works to serve those who have some of the same conditions as me.
Those women who suffer and whose babies suffer as well because of these conditions...
I want them to feel sunshine. I want them to feel heard. I want them to feel loved. 

Cross your fingers that I will be able to push this project forward…
I will need YOUR help!